
I have a brain tumor. No really I do!
I am glad that I didn’t start my Blog with hey, I have a Tumor! A tumor is what I have. Not who I am.
To be more specific I have a Pituitary Prolactinoma. It is not cancerous. Unfortunately it does press against the surrounding tissue and I have headaches almost every day. It doesn’t affect my vision. In the past I have gained up to 60 lbs in one year because of it. I want to tell you the story of how I found out about the tumor. Ok guys? Letttttttts go!
I was a normal 13 year old living in Florida with my mom.( ha ha ok to be clear I was never really normal) I went to school and was just starting to come into my own. I had my own ridiculous style that outsiders probably would have described as emo meets hippie meets girly girl. I had my fair share of friends at the time. I was of course, NOT sexually active. Everyone knows that when girls are young they have irregular periods (sorry guys this part is important but it will be over soon) on the contrary mine from the time I first got them, they were on the day every month.
So after about a year of, getting it once every 2 months and then 6 months consecutively of not getting my period at all… I began to panic.
Those that know my family know that we are a bunch of hypochondriacs. But I took that title to a whole new level! After hours of looking at all of the other possible reasons that a now 14 year old hasn’t gotten her period ,I said to hell with the information in ask.com and I came to the so “probable” conclusion that I was one of 4 things:
- I was abducted by aliens, probed and impregnated me with their alien sperm and brought back to my home planet to spread their alien see for generations to come! But not before my memory was wiped clean of any recollection for the event.
- The human growth and development Teacher lied and either sperm grew wings and magically flew into my vagina or you really can get pregnant from kissing!
- I was housing the 2nd coming of baby Jesus but I honestly wasn’t stressing that since I was more thinking number 4
- Due to years of my mother oh so lovingly call me the spawn of Satan, I was pregnant with demon child.
Weather it was with aliens, magic sperm , Jesus baby or Satan’s version of the immaculate conception, I had now convinced myself that I Nicole was pregnant!
After about 6 months of telling my mom that everything was ok when it was so clearly not I realized, I couldn’t let this go on forever. Mainly because I wasn’t sure the gestation period of this type of magic Jesus alien Satan sperm. I could pop at any time.
I told my mom, first she asked if there were any way I could be pregnant. The answer I gave her was, “HELL NO!” Being a 14 year old and knowing everything was my job. Of course I didn’t want to divulge my theories to her because that would prove I didn’t know what was going on. Also she would think that I was certifiably crazy.
She promptly took me to the “family doctor” and I was given a checkup, one of the questions that I was asked of course was if I could be pregnant. By this time I was thinking, shit maybe they are on to me. Maybe they know. Or better yet maybe the doctor is really an alien and wants to know if I remember anything. Fearing the wrath of the alien doctor I told her no.
My mom seemed relieved that I had told the doctor no as well. Then I was sent for the blood tests.
When the results came back all it did was confuse us. All joking aside my prolactin level was in the high 800’s (a “normal” person has a level of under 13) to make it even more confusing, prolactin is a hormone that is secreted when a woman is pregnant.
From there the Doctors decided that an MRI was the next step. I went and got the MRI, it went without a hitch. Then I had the pleasure of meeting an awesome doctor in Tampa! (By awesome I mean the biggest dick you will ever meet.) He came in to the room with my films threw them up on the x-ray light and said well you have a mass. ……Crickets
How the hell was I supposed to know that that meant.
Then the Asshole said ,( as if he were telling me to please pass the mashed potatoes at the dinner table)”You have a Tumor.”That was pretty much it. Then the good ol’ Doc told me to get out of the room to talk to my mom. What the hell?
I was so confused and scared.
After what had seemed like forever, I was asked to come back into the room and I was told all the particulars. That I didn’t have cancer, that a lot of people have this, That it was rare that I have this problem being as young as I am. The whole hoopla!
Now in 2012 I still have the tumor. I am happy to say that my prolactin is down to what the Doctors deem as normal, and I was indeed not pregnant with a magic Jesus alien Satan baby.
Uhhh should I praise Allah?
