However Dysfunctional , This is the Way that I see Things

The perils of working in retail and my Shitty job

I have a job!  it’s a real bona-fide job-ber-doodle! I work in ……DUN DUN DUN! RETAIL. Not the most glamorous job out there but hey, it makes money and there are some perks.

Today I am going to tell you of the fabulous perks that go along with working with the public and stupid ass customers.

In the news, you only hear stories about how Bobbie jo smith get caught stealing at her local department store only before getting tackled by a loss prevention manager ,or the couple that had the cops call on them for having a brawl in the middle of wally world (Wal-Mart). Well folks I am happy to say that this all really happens and I get PAID to watch! Yay!

I’d like to start by saying if I use names they aren’t real ones and I won’t say where I work either.

Ok kids you ready?? Let’s go!

One of the instances that come to mind were when a 40 something y/o man came in the front door and asked for a mechanical cart. You know the ones that the morbidly obese/ elderly sit in? Well he not only asked for it he screamed; “my mother is having a heart attack! I need a sit down cart!” That is when I promptly set down what it was I was so diligently working on, to pop some popcorn because I knew there would be a show!… I came out on the aisle and this customer had grabbed a cart and was riding it down to the end of the store (apparently where his mother was). Only there was no mother … she was nowhere to be found she didnt exist! . I guess the customer wanted it for himself….He proceeds to look at what he came here for while going back to the service desk where he started. A fellow associate asks the obviously deadly question, “is your mom all right” and this guy’s goes crazy! He screams at the associate and pushes the forward button as hard as he can. He almost takes out another customer while he rides away screaming profanities that I didn’t even know existed until that moment.

I have been asked….” How many of these come in this 2 pack “   Really guy..was that a serious question…?

I have been asked “where is your Christmas section. While I was standing on front on a 8 foot tall blinking/flashing Christmas display with Santa and a giant penguin next to me.

I am asked daily where the exit is …despite the fact it has a giant sign above it.

Another time I was working at a hardware store. At places like that you get all types of stupids but every now and then, if you are lucky enough, you get the most grotesque excuse for mankind. Sounds like a party doesn’t it? I was much like any other day, I was working a 6-3 shift down in the lumber area and an old lady came in the door. She was about 5 foot dark black hair that was frazzled beyond repair and was wearing a bright orange mu mu with red designs on it.When she saw me, she immediately started speaking a language that sounded much like spanish but only she was whispering AND I don’t even speak spanish. (Side note she had really bad breath. Why is it that only people with bad breath whisper? ” IT WAS THE FOULEST THING I HAVE EVER SMELLED IN MY LIFE. I literally gagged. I , being the best customer service person, turned away from her stank breath and managed to tell her that I was going to get her an interpreter for her but when she turned away she had gone away. I didn’t even try to find her. Moments later I heard a familiar voice in a foreign language and the sound of lumber moving. I look down the main aisle and in plain sight she had hiked up her traffic cone mu mu and was shitting into the lumber bin. At that point there was nothing to do but get a manager.