So I am single. With that being said,there are about 344 days of the year that it doesn’t really bother me. ( don’t ask how I got that number)But with dreaded Valentine’s day coming up, I thought well hell why not give the online dating scene a try!I mean I see all these commercials saying how this couple met online and they are so ridiculously happy that they could crap themselves and would have never found each other if they hadn’t met online. With the exception of crapping who doesn’t want that right? After some experience with the website, I believe that those people are either all actors or are extremely lucky.
After ending a 3 year relationship with someone it took some pondering what I wanted in a man, so I shall share some.
21-26 years old
Single ( must)
Lives within 20 miles of me
Can’t do drugs but some social drinking is ok
Can’t have a kid (seriously not ready for baby mama drama)
Has a job
Moderately good-looking
So I created my profile making sure to be clear with what I wanted, filled out all of the “necessary” questionnaires and made sure to put my best, moderately provocative photos on for the entire world to see. At first I didn’t receive very many messages, but it wasn’t long until I got this.
Dun Dun Dun!!!!!(dramatic music)

Johnnyguido123 has sent you a message!
Me: “Oh god here we go”
12/30/2012 11:32 pm
Subject Hey sexy !!
“Hey ma I looked at your perfile (profile) and I think that we would rely hit it off. My name is johnny. I am free tonight if you want to meet and have some fun.”
So immediately I said oh hell naw! But a little voice in the back of my head said “ look at his profile” and boy am I glad that I did.
Johnnyguido123
Age: n/a
Marital status: Not single/ Not looking
Do you drink? Yes Often
Do you do drugs? Yes Often
Do you have children? Yes
Do you want children? No
Intent –Wants to date but nothing serious. (wait what!!!?)
Relationship History- The longest relationship this user has been in has been 1 year(s) long.
Interests- Working out,Girls, workin on cars,eating, weightlifting,my mom.
About me – (this is where it gets good)
I guess I’ll start by saying my mom says that I am the best looking sweetie she ever saw. She also says I’m quite special. I am 32 ,My mom lives with me. (aka he lives in his moms basement and probably always will) I have been on a hopeless search to find someone worth a F@#%, so I came on here. First of I don want no drama! If you bring it, look the other way. I love my friends if that is a problem don’t read any further. I want a girl that is willing to make things simple and privet till we click. (because he doesn’t want his current girlfriend finding out he is dating)Also honesty is a big thin fo me.(He is probably the biggest liar you will ever meet).My Girl has got to be in shape , with dark hair but I like light hair too. She cant be controlling or naggy ’cause I hate that shit.
So about me, I am a verry buzy person. (Busy means asshole, don’t believe me ? Read the book He Is Just Not That Into You) I am real big into working out, I do it about 6 days a week or more and nothing will ever change that. I can’t stand immature girls, or gold diggers.I don’t like fancy things I am verry siple ( I am assuming that was simple).I am currently unemployed and lovin it! (He wont have a job forever or untill his mom kicks him on his ass)
Ideal First Date- Idc somewhere not to expensve.maybe for coffee.so we can get to kno each other.
Ok so what I was supposed to take from that was the “man” that I am looking into dating is…
A 28 year old momma’s boy that is unemployed and apparently an uneducated druggie that has a kid that he never wanted ,is in a relationship but yet still wants to date,whose only hobbies are girls,working out and eating.He more than likely sponges off his mom and the only money that he makes is from selling dime-bags to his asshole friends that are so important to him. He will never have time for you because he will be to “busy” working out only making it more apparent of the tool that he is and heightening your suspicions that he has a small penis. His dream girl has to have a nice body and apparently the only other qualifications are , that she has to have some kind of hair and can’t nag(which I am assuming that means she can’t have any opinions about anything.)So if this all doesn’t “turn you on”, his longest relationship being one year proves that even the woman that was dumb enough to look over all of his “seriously sexy qualities”, And have a kid with him didn’t even want to stick around past a year? Actually that part is debatable because we really don’t know if the girl he is with currently is his “baby momma”.
And that was one of the better ones…
With all of these winners out there it is a wonder that I am even single anymore! What on earth does a girl have to do even start dating in this town… ugh guess I will keep you updated.( to be continued)