How do you fix a broken heart if pieces are missing?

I ran away. I was searching for something that would enrich my life and make me feel whole again. I fear that I lost parts of me during the struggles. All I have is to many scars.

Everyone has their fair share of scars from their past

Mine are in the form of dashboard confessional’s Screaming infidelities on repeat, compulsive weighing, guilt stricken binging, over exfoliating, sabotaging those that care, building walls, and confusion.

“I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been”

Who I am hates who I’ve been

This is the worst week .I feel like an ant. After the poison.

I get close and get zapped …every time. The more I act like I don’t care the more I don’t like the way that I am changing. I can’t act the way I feel ever. Everything is a lie and nothings right. “All I find is souvenirs from better times.”

I have been hurt and I wish that I could say I am better. But I really don’t think that I am. there is much more to me than what you see. What I let you see. There is one person that knows me on a level that no one has ever known me. I miss that person more than anything.

There is a person that I hate that I love. I wonder about him, if he will ever love me .

I am so broken. Lost. Confused.

“To think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry.”

 

Nicole-Colored-Glasses are cracked today, and unfortunately I got some glass in my eye.

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My Tumor and the Magic Sperm !

I have a brain tumor. No really I do!

I am glad that I didn’t start my Blog with hey, I have a Tumor! A tumor is what I have. Not who I am.

To be more specific I have a Pituitary Prolactinoma. It is not cancerous. Unfortunately it does press against the surrounding tissue and I have headaches almost every day. It doesn’t affect my vision. In the past I have gained up to 60 lbs in one year because of it. I want to tell you the story of how I found out about the tumor. Ok guys? Letttttttts go!

I was a normal 13 year old living in Florida with my mom.( ha ha ok to be clear I was never really normal) I went to school and was just starting to come into my own. I had my own ridiculous style that outsiders probably would have described as emo meets hippie meets girly girl. I had my fair share of friends  at the time. I was of course, NOT sexually active. Everyone knows that when girls are young they have irregular periods (sorry guys this part is important but it will be over soon) on the contrary mine from the time I first got them, they were on the day every month.

So after about a year of, getting it once every 2 months and then 6 months consecutively of not getting my period at all… I began to panic.

Those that know my family know that we are a bunch of hypochondriacs. But I took that title to a whole new level! After hours of looking at all of the other possible reasons that a now 14 year old hasn’t gotten her period ,I said to hell with the information in ask.com and I came to the so “probable” conclusion that I was one of 4 things:

1. I was abducted by aliens, probed and impregnated me with their alien sperm and brought back to my home planet to spread their alien see for generations to come! But not before my memory was wiped clean of any recollection for the event.
2. The human growth and development Teacher lied and either sperm grew wings and magically flew into my vagina or you really can get pregnant from kissing!
3. I was housing the 2^nd coming of baby Jesus but I honestly wasn’t stressing that since I was more thinking number 4
4.  Due to years of my mother oh so lovingly call me the spawn of Satan, I was pregnant with demon child.

Weather it was with aliens, magic sperm , Jesus baby or Satan’s version of the immaculate conception, I had now convinced myself that I Nicole was pregnant!

After about 6 months of telling my mom that everything was ok when it was so clearly not I realized, I couldn’t let this go on forever. Mainly because I wasn’t sure the gestation period of this type of magic Jesus alien Satan sperm. I could pop at any time.

I told my mom, first she asked if there were any way I could be pregnant. The answer I gave her was, “HELL NO!” Being a 14 year old and knowing everything was my job. Of course I didn’t want to divulge my theories to her because that would prove I didn’t know what was going on. Also she would think that I was certifiably crazy.

She promptly took me to the “family doctor” and I was given a checkup, one of the questions that I was asked of course was if I could be pregnant. By this time I was thinking, shit maybe they are on to me. Maybe they know. Or better yet maybe the doctor is really an alien and wants to know if I remember anything. Fearing the wrath of the alien doctor I told her no.

My mom seemed relieved that I had told the doctor no as well. Then I was sent for the blood tests.

When the results came back all it did was confuse us. All joking aside my prolactin level was in the high 800’s (a “normal” person has a level of under 13) to make it even more confusing, prolactin is a hormone that is secreted when a woman is pregnant.

From there the Doctors decided that an MRI was the next step. I went and got the MRI, it went without a hitch. Then I had the pleasure of meeting an awesome doctor in Tampa! (By awesome I mean the biggest dick you will ever meet.) He came in to the room with my films threw them up on the x-ray light and said well you have a mass. ……Crickets

How the hell was I supposed to know that that meant.

Then the Asshole said ,( as if he were telling me to please pass the mashed potatoes at the dinner table)”You have a Tumor.”That was pretty much it. Then the good ol’ Doc told me to get out of the room to talk to my mom. What the hell?

I was so confused and scared.

After what had seemed like forever, I was asked to come back into the room and I was told all the particulars. That I didn’t have cancer, that a lot of people have this, That it was rare that I have this problem being as young as I am. The whole hoopla!

Now in 2012 I still have the tumor. I am happy to say that my prolactin is down to what the Doctors deem as normal, and I was indeed not pregnant with a magic Jesus alien Satan baby.

Uhhh should I praise Allah?

The game of Tag,snowballs, and Where do your socks go?

So something you didn’t know about me was I was never very good a tag. I tripped a lot  so the kids made fun of me… So I am trying for LizzieCracked

Here are The Rules.

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them

Questions from lizzie cracked.

1. What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

“What? A swallow carrying a coconut?”

2. How do you feel hearing everyone has a water buffalo  And you realize you don’t (if you DO have a water buffalo, skip this question and answer the bonus I have a water buffalo question)

It makes me sad. I am not particularly fond of the water buffalo but I more than likely would have felt cheated. I do think I’d have to go and get some buffalo wings!

3. Who is your favorite cartoon character?

Due to the fact that I rock both purple and green, I look awesome in a shell bikini, and our obvious similarities in the looks department, I pick Ariel from The Little Mermaid

4. Who is you favorite super hero?

Batman, because he is a Hunk-a- saurus Rex

5. IF I had the power to confuse you as my super power, what would you think about frogs?

That all the men worth a damn in this world were really princes disguised as frogs and kissing them would be the only way to get a good one. Then you would sit back and watch.

6. Which is more fun… pulling teeth or tea in China? NO wait..I think I got mixed up…

I like tea. Never been to china. But I know that P.F Chang’s has some frickin’ awesome tea!

6. What does that have to do with the price of tea in china ?

Well I am assuming that is doesn’t have anything to do what the price of tea in China. BUT if it is good… you know where to stick it.

7. How old are you mentally ?

Mentally I am 17 , but lately I feel 80.

8.  If you could go back to any age what age would you choose?

I would go back to 8 years old.

9.  If life gave you lemons and tequila was unavailable what would you do with them?

Get a few pounds of shrimp and get ready to eat your feelings into oblivion!

10. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck.

The amount of wood that woodchucks would chuck on a given day varies greatly with the individual woodchuck. In addition to weather the particular woodchuck in question has acquired a degree in the art of wood-chucking.

11.  How do you get rid of those pesky woodchucks anyhow?

TNT, .22 Caliber rifle, or My mother(she does a great job getting rid of animals that she deems”pesky”)

My questions:

1. What is the most exciting thing you have ever done in your life?
2. How would you wear gasses if you didn’t have a nose?
3. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
4. How do you know if you have fallen in love if you don’t have any bruises?
5. You want to have sex with a tampon?
6. If you had to come up with a Major sports team name what would it be?
7. Are redheads good in bed?
8. What is your favorite book and why?
9. Do fish get thirsty?
10. How come when socks come out of the dryer, there’s only one of each?
11. Do you believe is fairies?

People that I want to tag

Break it down Pete

Lizzie Cracked

Laurens Crazy Adventure

Mothstoaflame

El Guapo

Maggie Mae

The better man projects

The narcissist’s Blog

Roger Tharpe

Lafemmeroar

Girl Loves Zombie

I know this post had nothing to do with snow or balls, but its snowing in hell today! Yay!

I just don’t myself enough time in-between embarrassing myself

I haven’t ever really been a graceful person, until now ,I never noticed how utterly tragic my clumsiness and overall serious quirks have affected me until now.

For example;

I was working out ,and a cute guys waves to me …

A “Normal “person would: wave back and maybe even smile.

What I did: OH I waved back alright but in the process, my finger got caught on my earring that I happened to be wearing at the time and ripped it out. While he was watching! I tried to play it off and pretended my ear wasn’t bleeding; he smiled, shook his head, and walked away.

In school had just bought a brand new outfit in order to impress a special boy. Feeling confident I went to talk to him, but oh no! I dropped a pencil…

A “Normal “person would: Pick it up and then maybe say hi

What I did: I hurriedly picked up the pencil but while bending down to get it, I realized that he  sat down and my ass was pretty much in his face. 

So I am sure you may be thinking, wow she just is nervous around guy well my friends in the internet box, I wish that were the case.

Just recently, At my cousins 1^st birthday party, I decided to hang out with my 10 year old cousin and his best “friend.” Well, I took them to the park across the street. His friend was being such a jerk. Nothing unusual just “I’m am better than you kind of stuff.” But he was being mean to me and my cousin.

So being the older mature one I decided that this behavior could not go without being addressed to my aunt.

A “Normal “person would:

Mention that this child is out of sorts. Possibly come up with a witty comment about his actions.

What I did: Promptly went to my Aunt who happened to be standing next to my grandma. To give myself credit I did mention to my aunt about this kid. Also I took my own advice to make a witty comment about his actions. Of course it sounded great in my head, but unfortunately what I said was “Hey that kid was acting like a little twat.”

Immediately there was a severely awkward silence, what I meant to say was “twit” (a silly or foolish person.)but that didn’t matter now. I had just called that poor kid a Vagina.

For the full effect;

1. Twit: A silly or foolish person.
2. Twat: (from urban dictionary)
3. a. A Vagina

              b. Acronym for The War Against Terrorism

I was mortified that my friends, there is just no coming back from.

What does an awkward, clumsy, quirky person like myself do to be less clumsy?

Are the meetings I can go to? CA. Clumsy Anonymous

Hello everyone, my name is Nicole , and I have a problem.

Single girls guide to surviving the Apocalypse/Valentine’s Day 2012

I don’t know who this Saint Valentine is, but he needs to shove it.

Okay so I am assuming by the previous sentence you are thinking wow here we go, another bitter “single” persons rant about how they are single once again on this day. By that assumption, my friends in the internet box, you would be correct. (With a Nicole colored glasses twist)

So plans.. well when you don’t have any and well-meaning people try to make conversation like” what are you doing for valentine’s day?” Or, “soooo do you have a valentine this year?” It makes you want to scream (or face mush) depending on the situation or the person or maybe a combination or the two.

I have always stood by valentines day is a day that society has made into a big deal so boys that would never buy candy or flowers for their girlfriends actually care enough to do it for the simple fact that tonight , it is a given that they are getting laid. The single guys have no idea what day today is so they really don’t count. So tonight all the tools will get dressed in similar outfits, their Ed Hardy shirts and ridiculous haircuts and chains and “fresh to death sneakers” on a similar quest to get some.

 OH BOYS so predictable.

I guess I am a weird sort of girl I have never liked sappy love movies, barely ever cry when to comes down to it, And  I have always thought bumping uglies an accurate description.

So here is your single girls guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse/Valentine’s day 2012

Step 1.) Get ready and look pretty today because if you don’t you might as well get on the rooftop of your building and scream hey I am single everybody!

 Disclosure: We at The world behind Nicole Colored Glasses strongly advise that you do not perform or attempt to perform above said action. If you so choose to do this people will gather thinking you are crazy, that you might jump. Police will show up, you will be tackled and thrown into a crazy facility and you will stay there because you have failed to listen to step one and you might actually look the part.

Step 2.) Speaking of “Scream”How about Ice Cream ! go ahead and get yourself some Ben and Jerry’s and a shovel. You are gonna need it for step 7 plus if the apocalypse is coming you can use the shovel to fight off the zombies

Step 3.) Rent the sappiest of movies at least two so by the time the movies are over you only have minimal time to wallow in your loneliness and go to sleep for tomorrow is a normal day.

Step 4.) Invite you best single dateless friends over but make sure to first tell them step one…

Step 5.) When they get there make lots of comfort food and talk about how the whole male population sucks and you don’t need em.

Step 6.) Get wasted. ( nothing says a forced good time like a few too many glasses of wine from a box.)

Side note: If this really the zombie apocalypse you would probably have to board up your doors/windows because nothing is worse than on Valentine’s Day the only date that you have, is a date with death.

Step 7.) Watch the movies, cry, let it out, and more importantly eat that ice-cream like it is going out of style for today is not a day that you shall worry about calories. Plus guys like girls with curves Trust me.

Step 8.) Fight the urge to drunk text your ex. Yes I know that it sounds like a good idea (at the time) but sadly its not.

Step 9.) Get online and Facebook stalk your ex (he will never know)

Step 10.) Go to bed. After all it is only Tuesday lol.

So there you have it folks, my guide for all of you! Hope you enjoy!

Accident Leads to a Better Life

My cousin Tj

A young man’s accident goes from tragedy, to a complete life change

March 22, 2007
Today marks one year to the day that Antonio Molinaro  Jr. got in to the tragic crash that he says, changed his life for the better. One night in Cape Cod he was partying with a couple of friends at the beach, and he had a few drinks. His ride home was a friend of his, and she was drinking much more than he was, so he made the decision to drive thinking it was the safer choice even though he had his license at the time.
A cape cod police officer saw the two going down the street and decided to pursue them, afraid of going to jail , Antonio Molinaro Jr. sped up to attempt to get away from the officer. The officer called for backup and then it turned into a high speed chase.” I lost the first two cops and when the third one got there it was too late.” Either there was ice on the road or it was a tire malfunction we don’t know but as Molinaro Jr says , “the car ‘fish-tailed’ at 85 mph , skidded and hit a pole.” He blacked out at the impact and doesn’t remember anything after the crash. From the driver’s seat he ended up out of the back passenger window. “The third cop stayed there and held my head together if it wasn’t for him I’d be dead.” The third cop told him after the crash that it was the worst crash that he had ever seen. Molinaro Jr. slipped into a coma for over two months things didn’t look great until one day when he woke, The cleaned up version of his first words were “What the heck.” That pretty much sums it up, Molinaro Jr. has no recollection of anything after the crash and he wasn’t even knowledgeable of the accident when he awoke. In fact he was in disbelief  he didn’t understand how this could’ve happened to him “I thought i was invincible, guess not. “ Says Molinaro Jr.
So exactly a year after his accident he has gone through extensive therapy where he had to teach himself to walk again. When asked what he learned about drinking and driving he says he has learned that, “Life is too precious.” To this day he takes full responsibility for his own destiny. Near death experiences make you think .Was it his fate to get into this accident and make it through to save him from all his bad habits from before. Or was it just coincidence that such a bad thing led to changing his ways for the better? In memory of what he has gone through Molinaro Jr. got his first tattoo. It’s of praying hands and rosary beads on top it says survivor and underneath it says the date 3-22-06 and for him, it has religious and symbolic value. So forever he will remember that he, Antonio Molinaro Jr. is in fact truly a survivor. My Cousin is one of the strongest people that I know. The doctors said that he may never wake from the coma,he may never walk,or talk, he may never etc… After some time he can run, he can ride a bike, he can work out and you know what I am proud of him! He and his parents have gone through so much.

I am thankful to have him here as a constant reminder not to take life for granted! I love you TJ!

 

Romantic comedies are like cellulite cures, every one of them is a lie..

So I was just reading about the story of Bella and Edward  and I was wondering what a relationship would be like if that were attainable. But unfortunately not all guys can be like my dear imaginary Edward. I was (for a second) wishing that we had the ability to create our world that is just how we want it ,but then I was also thinking that how boring would a world be if we could do that. The twilight couple loved each other so much that Bella would die for Edward but Edward loved Bella so much that he wouldn’t let her die for him even though it was the only way that they could be together .(quite a predicament) I think the thing that I crave the most is that passionate love that they had throughout the entire series.Most girls would get with their friends, eat a whole crap load of ice-cream, read He’s Just Not That Into You and stay up all night talking about how Edward is such an asshole.

I don’t know what it is about fantasy that I love so much . I think that it might be that when every girl is young she watches movie, or hears stories about the princess that gets swept off her feet of her knight in shining armor, rescuing her for some unthinkable fate. YOU MEN BECOME A HUGE DISSAPOINTMENT .GOT A PROBLEM BLAME IT ON DISNEY.So naturally when in a dating situation the 7 year old Nicole say what would prince charming do in this situation? Oh heck no Eric would NEVER say that to Ariel.When a guy is a complete jerky jerk jerk I wanna say um you must not have seen Beauty and the Beast because it didn’t turn out well for Gaston.( if you don’t remember he gets pushed off the roof by the guy that really matters) yea think about that next time jerkoffs.

Genuinely “grown up Nicole ” thought that I had a chance at finding that one person to kiss and make time stop and that he would never fight with me because every second of every day would be cherished as if it were the last day of your life ,the last day you could hold that person in your arms and tell him that you love him and that you would do anything for just one more day with him. I don’t think that boys are ever exposed to that sort of thing and they wonder why girls are such big saps for chick flicks. GUYS WE ARE PROGAMMED TO THIS THIS IS A PERFECTLY ATTAINABLE THING, give us a break.

No we aren’t being chased but some horror film monster and I don’t have a disease that will off me in a month but I think the real magic in love it that when you are truly in love you don’t need a tragedy to keep that kind of passion alive I believe that you should be able to take a step back and realize that the person you are next to right there sitting beside you reading this is the one that god (or Allah or Jehovah or Buddha … oh hell Elton John for  that matter) put on this earth solely to be yours and vise-versa . A lot is taken for granted nowadays .I believe it is true that you will never find a money problem in a great  love story but what you will find is that no matter what is going on in those characters’ lives they love each other unconditionally and I think that is kind of the moral of the story that yea, maybe you don’t have 5 seconds left with each other but what if u did ?

Set Aside

My own photo taken at a tag sale 🙂

When you look at these dolls so old and tattered

you might even see their limbs have been  scattered

once little emma’s pride and joy

now they are left, a box of old toys

for in her eyes they were alive

with names and personalities like you and I

abandoned forgotten

yes its true

how could you treat them how you do?

doomed now to forever wait

plastic eyes start to cry

for they have names and personalities like you and I

So if you read my very first post you would have seen that  I am (among lots of other things) artistic and dark.I think that pretty much sums that up. I would love to know what you think about my poem because it is the very first one I have ever published. I have more pictures than my phone can hold and I only end up keeping the ones I deem worth it. I might make it a habit to showcase my photography…. Let me know what you think. Being new, I am truly thankful for every single comment!

Nicole colored glasses and the trial and tribulations of online dating. Part One

So I am single. With that being said,there are about 344 days of the year that it doesn’t really bother me. ( don’t ask how I got that number)But with dreaded Valentine’s day coming up, I thought well hell why not give the online dating scene a try!I mean I see all these commercials saying how this couple met online and they are so ridiculously happy that they could crap themselves and would have never found each other if they hadn’t met online. With the exception of crapping who doesn’t want that right? After some experience with the website, I believe that those people are either all actors or are extremely lucky.

After ending a 3 year relationship with someone it took some pondering what I wanted in a man, so I shall share some.

21-26 years old

Single ( must)

Lives within 20 miles of me

Can’t do drugs but some social drinking is ok

Can’t have a kid (seriously not ready for baby mama drama)

Has a job

Moderately good-looking

 So I created my profile making sure to be clear with what I wanted, filled out all of the “necessary” questionnaires and made sure to put my best, moderately provocative photos on for the entire world to see. At first I didn’t receive very many messages, but it wasn’t long until I got this.

 Dun Dun Dun!!!!!(dramatic music)

 

Johnnyguido123 has sent you a message!

Me: “Oh god here we go”

12/30/2012 11:32 pm

Subject Hey sexy !!

“Hey ma I looked at your perfile (profile) and I think that we would rely hit it off. My name  is johnny. I am free tonight if you want to meet and have some fun.”

So immediately I said oh hell naw! But a little voice in the back of my head said “ look at his profile” and boy am I glad that I did.

Johnnyguido123

Age: n/a

Marital status: Not single/ Not looking

Do you drink? Yes Often

Do you do drugs? Yes Often

Do you have children? Yes

Do you want children?  No

Intent –Wants to date but nothing serious. (wait what!!!?)

Relationship History- The longest relationship this user has been in has been 1 year(s) long.

Interests- Working out,Girls, workin on cars,eating, weightlifting,my mom.

About me – (this is where it gets good)

I guess I’ll start by saying my mom says that I am the best looking sweetie she ever saw. She also says I’m quite special. I am 32 ,My mom lives with me. (aka he lives in his moms basement and probably always will) I have been on a hopeless search to find someone worth a F@#%, so I came on here. First of I don want no drama! If you bring it, look the other way. I love my friends if that is a problem don’t read any further. I want a girl that is willing to make things simple and privet till we click. (because he doesn’t want his current girlfriend finding out he is dating)Also honesty is a big thin fo me.(He is probably the biggest liar you will ever meet).My Girl has got to be in shape , with dark hair but I like light hair too. She cant  be controlling or naggy ’cause I hate that shit.

So about me, I am a verry buzy person. (Busy means asshole, don’t believe me ? Read the book He Is Just Not That Into You) I am real big into working out, I do it about 6 days a week or more and nothing will ever change that. I can’t stand immature girls, or gold diggers.I don’t like fancy things I am verry siple ( I am assuming that was simple).I am currently unemployed and lovin it! (He wont have a job forever or untill his mom kicks him on his ass)

Ideal First Date- Idc somewhere not to expensve.maybe for coffee.so we can get to kno each other.

 

Ok so what I was supposed to take from that was the “man” that I am looking into dating is…

A 28 year old momma’s boy that is unemployed and apparently an uneducated druggie that has a kid that he never wanted ,is in a relationship but yet still wants to date,whose only hobbies are girls,working out and eating.He more than likely sponges off his mom and the only money that he makes is from selling dime-bags to his asshole friends that are so important to him. He will never have time for you because he will be to “busy” working out only making it more apparent of the tool that he is and heightening your suspicions that he has a small penis. His dream girl has to have a nice body and apparently the only other qualifications are , that she has to have some kind of hair and can’t nag(which I am assuming that means she can’t have any opinions about anything.)So if this all doesn’t “turn you on”, his longest relationship being one year proves that even the woman that was dumb enough to look over all of his “seriously sexy qualities”, And have a kid with him didn’t even want to stick around past a year? Actually that part is debatable because we really don’t know if the girl he is with currently is his “baby momma”.

And that was one of the better ones…

With all of these winners out there it is a wonder that I am even single anymore! What on earth does a girl have to do even start dating in this town… ugh guess I will keep you updated.( to be continued)