However Dysfunctional , This is the Way that I see Things

Some of my art



Buddhist Child

Buddhist Child

charcoal drawing

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Co Co Merengue

So yesterday my dad brought up(on facebook of all places) a story that he used to tell me.

It was unlike any story that I am sure any child has ever heard.  Parents are supposed to want to protect their children.As I grew older I started to think that the story was humorous, but until now I haven’t really given much thought, how this story could have had a negative impact on my childhood development and my life.

The story states that I was born in a little village in Venezuela; my parents didn’t want me so they shipped me off to America and dropped me off on the first doorstep that they found with a note saying to please take care of their little “Coco Merengue”. Apparently the note also stated that they will be coming back for me one day to reclaim their daughter.

When I was little I remember that my dad would tell me this story and I would cry and plead to not let then take me away. I would tell my dad that I loved him and that I didn’t want to go with another family. He found humor in my despair. In my opinion that is slightly sadistic.

Looking back that could have some serious negative implication upon me. It’s almost his point to give his child anxiety about being taken away from all that she has ever known, while making a little redheaded girl in a family of brunettes feel like she was even more of an outcast.

I don’t know that he was thinking but I can look past it now

To be clear I was never adopted. I was born to my mother and father in a city of Connecticut. I just don’t understand what he could have gained from the lies, perhaps I’ll never know.

Image     toImage




“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”, these wise words were spoken almost 60 years ago by Audrey Hepburn. While it is true some may believe that beauty is strictly physical, proof that one is beautiful only comes from within.


Today, the most popular and widely accepted definition of beauty is the pleasing attractive features of something. Modern society is riddled with different products and advertisements based on the fact that women specifically have acquired the need to feel beautiful. What beauty really means continues to be a topic of conversation. In life, concepts and opinions such as beauty will differ but the main consensus stays the same. Being beautiful is far more than what is reflected by a mirror.  Since the word was created, beauty has had many meanings and definitions. Society says that beautiful is being thin, fashionable, and polished. With the media shoving all this information in the face of the masses, it would be hard to assume that any other meaning could be possible. However, beauty is not based on the physical attractiveness of people and things alone. Physical beauty is obviously a fact of life. With just physical beauty alone a person would be left socially inept, and eventually an outcast. Those with physical beauty alone but no personality to match would be inconsequential.

 Beauty cannot be confined to one miniscule definition.  One example of Beauty is being a good person in the worst of circumstances. After tragedies; such as September 11th, Americans banned together as a whole. Willingness to help the less fortunate is and has been described many times as beautiful. That is true beauty. One well known person that exemplifies beauty is, Marilyn Monroe .She was arguably, one of the one of the most beautiful women in the past decade. Monroe was an actress, model, and singer. Not only was Monroe physically beautiful, Monroe was also famously known for being quirky, but above all being herself. One of her infamous quotes include; “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” Monroe had the right idea. Possessing the ability to live life without the pressures of conforming to social norms is what makes one beautiful.

In conclusion, Beauty cannot be only about physical attractiveness when, it is shown time and time again beauty is so much more. To believe that beauty is on the solely on one’s exterior would be naïve given the evidence before those willing to see beyond what is on the outside.

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When the average 20 something year old thinks of New Year’s Day; they think of sleeping in until 2pm, the massive hangover threatening to be the death of them, and the promise that they aren’t going to drink that that again this year. When I think of New Year’s Day I think of a fresh start. Not the party that I will be attending but I think of the parts of myself that I can mold and shape to become a better person.  January 1st  is an opportunity to make it the best year of my life. I think about the goals that I have been trying to achieve since before I could remember, the projects I have been putting off, and somehow for one fleeting moment they all seem possible. New Year’s Day gives  me hope that no matter the goal large or small that with the right amount of effort, and no tainted memories of failures from the past  year anything can happen.


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Using Facebook to Scan Potential Employees

Social Networking has its pros and cons. In this day and age sites like Facebook can really be a great tool to get to know people. But when it comes to employers using it to help decide whether or not they will be hiring an individual, it can be somewhat troublesome. I personally believe that employers have every right to look at a candidate’s Facebook page, in order to decide if they will choose them for employment.


Until recently, the unemployed could walk into an interview looking their best; and as long as they have a nice resume, and proper vernacular they would have a great chance of landing the job. Unfortunately for some, what their Facebook pages “says” about them can seriously hinder their chances on receiving employment. The importance of using Facebook as a tool for hiring can vary however with the professionalism of the job. If you are trying to get a job as a teacher, I would even go as far as saying this is a necessary way of getting to know your future employee. You wouldn’t want someone in this type of profession to have any references to drug use, or sexually offensive material seeing as how they will be closing working with children as a role model. There should not be any need to give an employer authorization to view the future employee’s site.  What people need to know is that when you are posting on the internet, you need to be responsible enough to realize that what is being said can be viewed by anyone. If you are expecting to receive a job that needs you to be professional you need to show that you can be a representative of the company, even before you have the position. With that being said I don’t that it is necessary to be 100% professional on a Facebook site but just knowledgeable of what you are posting.

In conclusion, employers have the right to use any legal facet to “get to know” someone in any way that they deem fit. It is of the utmost importance that as a potential employee, you are taking the necessary steps to portray a good image, in order to ensure that nothing you say or do on social networking would interfere with your employment

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I finally opened my eyes… Im offically a student!


Every child dreams of what they want to be when they “grow up.” I wasn’t ever really set on one option. I have wanted to be a nurse, a veterinarian, and lastly a teacher. Not being certain about a career is normal at that age, but I did know one thing. I wanted to use my compassion, outgoing personality, and love for children to make a difference.

Currently my career plan is to earn my degree in early childhood education, and pursue my career as a teacher. The reason that I came to this decision was based on a few reasons. I have a big crazy Italian family with lots of cousins from newborn to twenty six years old. No matter what my age, I remember coming to family gatherings and grabbing a marker to show the rest of the kids what I had learned during the school week. When I got a little older, I got a rush when I was able to quiz some of my knowledge with the older members of my family. It was then that I fell in love with learning and sharing what I had learned. Another reason that I feel I would be a great teacher is the amount of compassion I have for people. I am a genuinely caring person; a trait that I think is superlative in the teaching profession.


In addition, I feel that my most evident personality trait is what will help me the most as a teacher. I am an extremely outgoing person. I love to engage people despite their age. I ask opinions and challenge why people think the way that they do. I have been described often as a people person. I am respectful to others opinions and have a great deal of patience.

It was about this time last year that I started flirting with the idea of going back to school. After 6 years since high school, I knew that going back would be one of the hardest challenges in my life and one of the biggest commitments. I reverted back to the thoughts of being a nurse, but quickly remembered that I can’t stand hospital settings and avoid them at all costs. I knew that in this stage of my life that being an astronaut was not really in the cards. Then I thought about all those nights I’d stay up late and read with my aunt. Being ten years old and showing someone that I highly respected how to pronounce a certain word and going back and forth with trivia. Then I put into perspective my love for children, and the way that their little minds absorb information (as long as you make it interesting). I knew that I only really had one option after all. I was going to be a teacher.



Tumor free is the way to be !


Not my brain

Once again I am left feeling as if I have to apologize for my absence these past few months. I feel that my blog is somehow an extension of myself, so if you have been wondering what is going on here is a good recap of the most recent events in my life.

As I brought to your attention in one of my past posts I have a Pituitary tumor. Well about a month ago I have decided that enough is enough and I wanted to be rid of it forever. The medication was no longer working to shrink the tumor and my prolactin levels were increasing despite being on the medication. I decided to go see DR Vrionis at Moffit  Cancer Center.


After a consultation I mustered the courage to tell the doctor what I have been neglecting to say for the past ten years. That I ,in fact wanted surgery. He instructed me to get off the medication and come back in 3 weeks  to have a “pre op” appointment.

The pre op appointment was painfully long and detailed. I spoke with a medical social worker about my opportunity to have a living will and advanced directives which is the papers that I would sign to pick who I want making decisions for me if something were to go wrong (fortunately enough I didn’t need to use them ). After that I went to have blood drawn and an MRI done, to locate exactly where the tumor was located to provide assistance in the removal. About 6 hours later and 12 vials of blood being taken we were finished with the first step.

After the pre op on the 15th I became increasingly nervous as the time passed.  I became somewhat secluded at home and generally didn’t feel like my usual happy go lucky self. I don’t know if even those that were closest to me knew how scared I really was. I wasn’t running or going to the gym like my usual routine. The morning of the surgery wasn’t any better. I was sick to my stomach the entire morning.

I was there on time and after a little confusion as to where my family and I had to go, we got checked in and the process started. They asked me a few questions , made me take a pregnancy test, and had me change into a purple gown and compression stockings My mom came in after a while to wish me luck and have me speak to my dad on the phone. I wish that I could say her presence was comforting but my mom kept trying to sit on me and my dad was higher than a kite on the phone. I am sure he fell asleep twice during our 5 min conversation. After a little while the started an IV and gave me some antibiotics for preventative measures. Antibiotics that I was apparently very allergic to, because I started itching violently. My mom called the nurse to give me some relief but it made me super sleepy.


Not much is too clear after that. I remember saying goodbye to my mom and my sister,  and I remember dozing off. I am assuming that they gave me the medication to make me “sleep” through IV while I was asleep from the Benadryl because I wasn’t told that I had to count down from 10 or any form of cliché like that.

After what I now know was approximately 2.5 hours, I woke up in a panic.

The first sensation I felt was the worst most intense burning sensation down my throat. The second feeling was heat. I was hot all over my body .I had things attached to me, I couldn’t move and I felt like crying but hesitated and knew that it wouldn’t do any good. At one point I remember trying to rip off my gown and my blood pressure arm band. I think I might have had a panic attack because I felt like I had to sneeze and then vomited blood all over.  I felt vulnerable and in pain, and still scared.

I finally calmed down enough to fall asleep. That was the most needed sleep I think that I have ever gotten in my entire life.

I woke up, still sore but in great spirits and frankly kind of loopy from the oxycodone that they gave me. The nurses told me that I would be moving to my room soon.

I remember asking if I was going to walk to my room and the nurse laughed at me and told me that I wasn’t allowed to walk. What a strange concept. I was running for miles just yesterday and now I wasn’t able to walk … spooky to say the least but even in my loopy stage I understood.

When I got to my room my mom, and my sister were  there waiting for me. I was hungry and thirsty despite the 3 consecutive glasses of water that I had just finished.

The rest for that day is now just a blur of sleep, getting poked and prodded every few hours and nurses coming in measuring everything .

The next day was a lot of sleeping and trying to get comfortable. Failing miserable at the trying to get comfortable part I might add. At the end of that day I got to come home. I watched a movie and then went to bed

Since the surgery I have been in little pain, just in the sides and the back of my head where they had a clamp to keep my head still during the procedure. so the question that you are probably asking is …. Did they get it all? (It being my tumor)

That I cannot tell you yet. I won’t know for another few months.   Kind of depressing considering everything that I have been through to get to this point.



My message to my Grandmother for Christmas

Dear Grandma & Don ,
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

May you be Fashionable


Oh Grandma What big boobs you have

May you be in good spirits



And Last but not least PLEASE watch out for the Reindeer!!!!



I love You With All Of My Heart!!!!



Love NIcole


Things and Terms That I learned While Living in Connecticut!

1)      The term “Cocked” Means really drunk.\

2)      It is appropriate behavior to stick ones arm in an open gravesite

3)      “Raggie ”is something that you don’t want to be called

4)      Read He’s Just Not That Into You at least once a year

5)   Weed is your friend6)   Majorska Vodka is not your friend…

7)   The New Kings game is the shit

8)   I own at flip-cup and quarters (pong not so much)

9)   Toyota yaris is the bomb diggity

10)   Haunted houses make the best parties

11)   Pancakes are great when you are wasted

12)   It is acceptable to say reckless every 3.254 seconds

13)   I am going to miss Connecticut….